satirical - Science - Fiction Short - Things to come - Sf from B. Redhead

High above the ionosphere, the Ock-Zill research vessel hovered behind a cloaking field of bent light. Even the sharpest sensors of Earth’s space surveillance systems mistook it for a graphical glitch from 1998. On board, the atmosphere was tense, expectant and almost rhythmic. Commander Xylax-4, a being with four arms and skin that pulsed in the colours of an overworked rainbow, stared intently at the vast data wall. Millions of short video sequences flickered before him. He saw humans swaying their hips in bathrooms in front of mirrors, teenagers in underground trains rotating their arms like windmill blades, and even statesmen snapping their fingers stiffly while a bass-heavy beat looped in the background.

“It is unmistakable,” Xylax-4 announced, his upper limbs performing an instinctive circular motion.

“After fifty years of media analysis and eight years of intensive loop evaluation, we have cracked the code. The verbal language of Earth’s inhabitants is merely an evolutionary remnant, much like our second stomach for rock flour. Their true, profound communication takes place through the Vertical Loop. Whoever crosses their arms above their head the fastest while rhythmically bending their knees enjoys the highest social status.”

The linguistics officer Quarz-Zupp nodded eagerly and adjusted his Beat-O-Meter. “Absolutely, Commander. Repetition frequency is decisive. On this planet, a message apparently only counts as true once it has been copied at least three thousand times.”

Xylax-4 tilted his head. “From now on, we shall call this the Loop Vacuum.”

“An excellent designation, Commander.”

“A cultural state in which meaning is repeated so often that only movement remains.”

Quarz-Zupp tapped enthusiastically on his analysis console. “We have already generated the most effective first-contact message. We shall dispense with mathematical constants, peace formulas and the traditional presentation of a glowing crystal. We shall respond with the Hyper-Glitch-Slide. If our calculations are correct, they will transfer world domination to us within fifteen seconds – or at least subscribe to us in vast numbers.”

The location for first contact had been chosen with great care: Times Square in New York, the place on Earth with the highest density of glowing screens and people who already behaved as though they were being filmed at all times. When the Ock-Zill vessel materialised, there was no deafening bang and no heroic music. Instead, a synthetic, high-frequency bassline rang out and immediately forced every smartphone within a two-kilometre radius into synchronisation. The giant advertising screens switched over. No Coca-Cola, no Broadway musical, no dental implant insurance. Only a pulsating neon-green pattern and a countdown. Then the lower hatch opened. Xylax-4 and his elite dancers floated down. They wore suits of liquid chrome that reflected the light of the billboards. The moment their feet touched the asphalt, they began.

It was a choreography that insulted the physical laws of human joints. They performed the Robot, but with genuine robotic precision, combined with a hip swing so viral that three people in the front row immediately suffered cramps in their lower backs.

“Citizens of Earth!” boomed the audio feed, underlaid with an Auto-Tune effect that made Xylax-4’s voice sound like a singing saw. “We have checked your vibe! Accept our content or be cancelled!”

The reaction was overwhelming. People did not run away screaming. They did not form a crisis committee. They took out their phones. Within seconds, the hashtag #AlienShuffle became the most widely used term in the history of the internet. News channels interrupted their programming, not because an extraterrestrial species had landed, but because the livestream was already attracting better ratings than any government statement in the last twenty years. A United Nations astrophysicist tried to explain in an interview that the Ock-Zill choreography might possibly be a territorial marker, a demand for surrender or a cosmic mating ritual. Her contribution reached 412 views. An intern who accidentally imitated the AlienShuffle in the background reached 38 million. That settled the matter. A young man wearing a cap so crooked it appeared to be mocking gravity jumped in front of the commander.

“Mate, that drop was properly sick! But your hand-transition game needs work. Watch this.”

He delivered a perfect sequence of finger-tuts and ended it with a casual peace sign in front of the stunned alien’s face. Xylax-4 froze. His translator chip rattled.

“Analysis: a diplomatic counter-offer. He is demanding a revision of the chorus. Quarz-Zupp, adjust the BPM. We must demonstrate dominance.”

The aliens replied with a synchronised spin around their own axes, followed by a Moonwalk that, thanks to their anti-gravity boots, took place three metres above the ground. The crowd went wild. Complete strangers began copying the Ock-Zill’s movements. It was the first peaceful invasion in world history, powered entirely by the need to be part of an interstellar trend. The UN Secretary-General, having arrived in haste in an armoured vehicle, stepped out and surveyed the chaos. He saw the dancing crowds, the blinking lights and the aliens currently trying to teach a police officer how to swing his tentacles in time, despite the fact that the officer did not possess any tentacles. He looked down at his tablet.

“Sir,” whispered his adviser, “we have no choice. If we send in the military now, we lose the votes of everyone from Generation Z to Generation Alpha. The aliens already have more followers than the entire NATO alliance. They have… outperformed us.”

The Secretary-General sighed. “Is there at least a diplomatic channel?”

The adviser looked at the screen. “Yes, sir. But it requires a duet request first.”

Three weeks later, Earth was unrecognisable. It had not been the laser cannons of the Ock-Zill that had defeated humanity, but the fear of every government on Earth of falling into the global ranking category marked “irrelevant”.

The World Parliament had moved into the headquarters of a major social media platform. Laws were no longer debated; they were released as Daily Challenges. Opposition was still permitted, provided it was edited entertainingly enough.

“The new tax reform is here!” announced Xylax-4 in his daily livestream, now wearing an elegant silk robe and mirrored sunglasses. “Anyone who dances the Fiscal Slide today receives a five per cent discount on their income tax! Show me your moves, Algorithmania!”

The state of the world improved measurably. Border conflicts were now resolved through dance-offs. Climate change was tackled by launching a global trend in which planting trees had to be combined with a particularly complicated sequence of footwork. Anyone who did not dance was considered politically disengaged or, worse, cringe. Truth did not disappear. It was simply recommended less and less often. Xylax-4 sat in his new office above Times Square and observed Earth. Beneath him flickered a civilisation that had not understood first contact, but had at least lit it extremely well.

“You know, Quarz-Zupp,” he said, sipping a green smoothie that an influencer had sent him as tribute, “I always thought intelligence expressed itself through technology or philosophy. But this species has discovered the ultimate evolutionary shortcut.”

“And what would that be, Commander?” asked the officer, while designing a new filter mask for the spacecraft.

Xylax-4 smiled with all three mouths.

“You do not need truth when the rhythm is right. As long as the beat keeps playing, they ask no questions. We did not conquer them, Quarz-Zupp. We merely added them to our playlist.”

Outside, in the sky, the Ock-Zill ships arranged their position lights into a gigantic glowing heart emoji. Humanity looked up, held its phones ready and began to sway its hips in perfect synchronisation.

First contact had been a complete success.

It had taken only fifteen seconds.

And it had required no subtitles at all.

THE END